Question: My co-worker's first language is not English, so when she makes harsh comments, I give her the benefit of the doubt. She also takes offense easily and a simple apology will not do. She'll say it's OK, but when another issue arises, she'll bring up past incidents. How should I deal with this situation?
Answer: It doesn't matter whether your co-worker grew up speaking Klingon or English. We all communicate in a different language. Most of what we say comes through our body language and tone, not our words.
Because your co-worker's native language isn't English, you're more attuned to the possibility of misunderstanding. You expect there to be some glitches. After all, the phrase "touch base" means something different in the office than it does on the baseball field. But, as most of us know too well, even native English speakers can have trouble understanding each other, simply because they may have different styles of speech.
Just recognizing that the two of you aren't effectively communicating isn't enough. As ironic as this may sound, you'll have to talk with her about it. But you're likely to have little luck in changing the way she speaks. The better bet is to change the way you interpret what she says.
Your concerns over your co-worker's hurtful comments and rejection of your apologies peg you as a person who wants everyone to like them. You probably shouldn't run for public office (or audition for American Idol).
The tendency to want everyone to like you can make working in an office difficult since it's rarely possible to make all interpersonal encounters smooth, says John Weaver, a Waukesha, Wis.-based psychologist who specializes in workplace issues.
You need to stop thinking of office interactions as personal. How you work with other people and how they respond to you are just another part of your job. For a group project to succeed, for example, your co-workers don't necessarily have to all want to go out for after-work Bellinis together.
When the question becomes "How do we work together?" rather than "Do you like me?" the issue shifts to being a business problem instead of a personal dilemma, says Dr. Weaver. |
Focus on what you need to achieve by working together, not on how awful you think the other person is or how insufferable they may think you are. Wendy Alfus-Rothman, a New York psychologist specializing in executive coaching and leadership development, says that when you have the conversation with your co-worker, say something like: "When you talk to me in that tone of voice -- and I don't think it's deliberate -- I feel attacked. What I'd really like is for you to tell me what does and does not work, so we can put together a killer presentation."
There typically isn't a right time to have this discussion. Don't bring it up when you are in the middle of an argument, but if you can be calm 30 seconds after one, talk then. Be sincere. If you say you want to work together, but what you really mean is that you want jab the person with a paper clip, you aren't likely to be believed.
It might also be helpful to find out more about your co-worker's cultural background. Ask a diversity expert in your human-resources department for help, or do some independent research. Without some knowledge of this person's background, you may risk coming off like Steve Carell in a recent episode of "The Office" bumbling through the Hindu festival of Diwali, thinking it's an Indian version of Halloween. Still, even if you're familiar with your co-worker's culture, don't assume that her behavior automatically can be ascribed to it.
If you uncover something in her background that might help explain why she dredges up past incidents, bring it up in this way. "Say, 'This is what I know, that your culture approaches things this way. Would that be true of you?' " says Dr. Weaver. "We all have a variety of allegiances to the culture in which we grew up." Raising awareness of cultural differences, he says, often helps people resolve communications problems. "It can be a place to start some understanding," he says.
Because you can't rely on words alone. |
